3 Habits That Block Effective Communication With Those You Love
The strategies we attempt to use for effective communication are filtered through our habits. Take a look at the arguments and frustrations you experience everyday. For most of us, 98% of them habitually breakdown in the same places. The breakdown points are intersections of a perceived outside trigger and our unconscious habits to react the way we do (visualize the co-worker who annoys you, your spouse’s embarrassing behaviors, and the constant complaining of your children for a clearer picture).
Most of us never stop to think about the role our habits play when we’re knee deep in an argument, manipulating others to do what we want, or taking comments personally. That’s because once habits are formed they are run unconsciously. Since we learn most of these habits in our youth, people assume what triggers them is just a part of who they are. Unfortunately, the hard-wired strategies we use when conversations start to breakdown unintentionally adds more conflict. By recognizing which of the 3 habits below are running your conversations, Communication Frustration can be sidestepped and connection can occur.
Habit #1 – The Habit of Moralistic Judgements
The aim of this habit is to prove wrongness or badness with those who violate our values and desires. Moralistic judgements often has language like “They’re selfish”, “She’s lazy”, “He’s jealous”, “That’s not smart”, “I’m offended”, “You’re rude”, “That’s wrong”, “They’re bad people”,”That’s not right”, “He’s not a good person”. More forms of judgements would be blaming, insulting, putting-down, labeling, criticizing, and diagnosing. Moralistic judgement is always about who IS what by categorizing people and their actions.
Habit #2 – Comparing Self and Others
This aim of this habit is to demonstrate someone is woefully lacking or deficient in some way. Comparisons present themselves in language like “He’s not so great”, “She doesn’t deserve”, “They’re better than”, “You just don’t get it”, “You’re not fair”, “He always”, “I’ll never be like”, “I’ll play devil’s advocate”. Comparing self and others is about rationalizing who deserves what, based on things that happen to us and those we care about.
Habit #3: Denying Personal Responsibility for Self and Others
This habit uses vague and obscure language to deny responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The habit of denying personal responsibility includes language such as “I have to”, “I need to”, “You make me feel”, “It’s not my fault”, “I was told to”, “I couldn’t help it”, “You know I don’t”. The focus of denying responsibility is always about assuming there’s a lack of choices or shifting it to a cause seemingly beyond our control.
Start observing your daily conversations for where these habits show up regularly. Where are they most frequent with your spouse, children, and co-workers? Where do you want others to take responsibility for your feelings? How often do you break commitments, expecting others to clean up? What company policies, rules, and managers do you blame for not being satisfied with your career? Focus on fixing the habits that no longer support your ambitions. Keep in mind there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s your habits and strategies that need your attention.
About the Author:
Need help identifying your habits? John Reisinger can help you learn remarkably effective communication skills. Transform your conversations with those you love and work with and enjoy Remarkable Living.
