Child Access During Summer Holidays
This is the time of year when divorced parents should settle on summertime access for their children. School and work can take a back seat during at least portions of the summer months as vacations and warm weather activities raise interesting possibilities. Usually it makes sense for our children to be with one parent most of the time and see the other parent on weekends or other scheduled access days. However, in the summer there should be more time available for the kids to spend with the parent they see less often through the year. Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind when figuring out the best summer access arrangements.
Things change: people, circumstances, whatever. So even if there are strict rules about what access should look like over the summer months, avoid the temptation to let a separation agreement or court order assume the role of parent. Consider what may have changed since that agreement or order was signed and take a fresh look at it to see if it really does continue to be the best thing for the kids. Children are best served by parents who strive to make access arrangements work than by parents who blithely follow formulas and schedules that may now be out of date.
A word about deviating from court orders and agreements may be in order here. First, it is okay to change the terms by mutual consent without going back to court or signing something. However, if you feel more secure with something in writing, a note, dated and signed with the agreed upon changes should be fine. You should specify that the changes are by mutual agreement and that if one of the parents no longer agrees to the change then the original terms of the order or separation agreement come back into play.
When making summer access plans do not forget that the children may hope to take part in activities that you have not thought of. Both parents should encourage the children to spend extra time during the summer with the parent they see less often during the year. However, it is also important, especially for older children, to have their own time to do their own fun things during the summer. Everyone should work together so that the kids can be involved in sports, camp, or whatever else they have in mind and still involve both mom and dad. Involve the children in your planning and look for ways to overlap time together with their other activities.
Summer also presents opportunities for parents and children to participate together in various special events and activities such as summer holidays, family occasions, and special vacations. It is important for parents to work together to make it possible for the children to enjoy these events with the parent most closely associated to the event. If this is difficult to determine, perhaps one parent can take the kids this year and the other can take them next year. On the other hand, such events may make the relatively little time the children spend with the “access” parent even more meaningful. Some consideration should be given to making sure the children get to spend some of these special times with that parent.
It is important for the access parent to effectively use the extra time with the children to build, or rebuild strong relationships. This will probably mean adjusting your own way of doing things – turning off your cell phone, checking your e-mail less frequently, spending less time working, etc. When children are younger their happy if you can just find ways to involve them in whatever you are doing even if it is just some gardening, home repairs, or other things that we typically do not think of as interesting or fun. As the children get older they will want to be engaged in activities of their own and your involvement may be limited to showing an interest in what they have been doing, watching them at play and encouraging them. If you can find something that they are interested in that you are either good at or equally interested in than you have struck gold.
Always keep in mind that flexibility and cooperation go much further in furthering the best interests of the children then confrontation and rigidity. Even parents who have not separated need to be considerate of each other’s needs and desires when deciding upon the summer activities they will engage in with the children. The best way to maintain strong and healthy relationships between parents and children are when everyone’s input is sought and no one, including the “access” parent, feels left out.
